October 25, 2020

Phil,

I has been 9 days since you died.  9 days since I kissed you goodbye with the assumption that I would see you the next day.  You told us everyday that you would die soon but we all just tried to live as if you would live forever.

As you loved to tell me, I was wrong.

You had a pain in your back, you said it was in your kidney area.  I could tell that it was making you quite uncomfortable and I asked you to stay home and just go tomorrow.  As usual, you just wanted to get the job done so you and AJ left.

You made it to your destination safely and I breathed a sigh of relief.

But when I texted goodnight, you never answered so I texted AJ to ask how you were.  He didn't answer either so I texted again saying I was worried because no one was answering me.  Then Sid brought me the phone and said to go get my Ativan before taking it.  I said "I guess that means Dad is in the hospital".  

It did mean that but you were already gone.  We had to wait another hour before the doctors confirmed to our son that you had passed.  He had to go in alone because of covid-19 but your brother was outside in the car waiting.

As soon as I heard his voice I knew he would say you were gone.  The grief was there already.  The guilt because he thought you were joking when you collapsed.  I told you not to pretend so often that you were dying but you thought it was funny.  

Now our son gets to feel guilty for the rest of his life.  Not to mention your niece and nephew and brother.  They all watched you die.

I was not there and for the first few days that seemed like a blessing.  Today however, I broke down crying because I worry that you were scared and I wasn't there to comfort you.

31+ years together.  The plus is for 3.5 months.  Those years mean I knew you better than I know anyone else on Earth.  I think I knew you better than I know me.  I know you would never ever choose to leave us.  I know you didn't do it on purpose but I still wish you could have stayed.

Why couldn't you have been the one in your family to live past this curse?  Your mom, father and brother gone before you seemed like enough for the Universe to take.  

The Universe had other ideas apparently.

There have been moments of peace this week.  Moments when I feel you are somehow with me, calming me. 

Today when your brother told me that you have been cremated I said goodbye to you in my head and then went to the kitchen so the kids wouldn't see my tears.  I suddenly felt a peace.  Like you were saying it was ok, I didn't need to be upset about this.  Still I haven't told them yet that you are ash.

I hope it didn't hurt.  Stupid thought but we just don't know what happens after death.  I know you didn't like the thought of slowly decomposing.  I know cremation was your wish.  But I still worry.  I have been worrying about you for most of my life,  1 year less than 2/3 of my life.

I miss you all the time but them times we spent alone together are the worst.  Bedtime, all night, the evening after the kids go to their rooms, the morning when we first wake up, the few minutes we would spend together when your were changing out of your work clothes.  I discover new ways each day that I miss you.

Yesterday I almost texted you at least 5 times.  Probably thought about texting you many more times but I actually picked up my phone to tell you something at least 5 times before I remembered you are gone.

Goodbye my love.  I will continue to write as I need to because I now have no one to talk to but this blog.  The kids are amazing but they don't need my burdens along with their own.

Love Tracy XOXO